Erica Bowker and her sister Jennifer own Pleasures of the Heart, a lingerie and adult shop located on 4th street in San Rafael. They are devoted to educating their customers and helping anyone and everyone feel comfortable and empowered. The store has been open since 1999, and both sisters have worked there for almost 15 years, but it was only 6 years ago that they actually became the owners. 

Because Pleasures of the Heart has been there for so long, the city has been supportive. Erica’s business studies and time at College of Marin helped her make a mark in the community, which has helped the store flourish. She is also a board member of the Downtown Business Improvement District and part of the Chamber of Commerce, which has given them an advantage in the neighborhood. 

The sisters feel open to everyone’s beliefs and desires and respect this as part of their business. Stigma is a large part of what customers deal with, so there remains a need for more education and acceptance around sexuality. Bowker said, “There is a stigma because I feel like there is a lot that is still very taboo, and even though people are open minded in 2023, it’s still something that people don’t want to talk about or accept that it’s there.”

Jack Sabido is an employee at VIP, the only other remaining adult boutique in San Rafael (circa 2013) and sometimes offers tours to College of Marin students studying human sexuality. He shared a male perspective on sexual stigmas among genders. Sabido noted that regardless of sex, there seems to be more stigma about women based on the “toxic mentality that a lot of heterosexual men have.”

Sabido continued, “A lot of men think that it’s weak to take control over one’s sexuality in some way.” Most sex toys are often marketed towards specific groups of binary genders, and not as a general human sexuality experience. Sabido shared, “Toys intended for women are advertised for both pleasure and having power over one’s body. The packaging and marketing is often geared towards empowerment or being in touch with yourself. This idea targets women, not men.”

Elena Cohen, a senior at University of Oregon, has completed multiple courses in human sexuality and was a former director of sexual violence prevention there. She currently works at a startup sex toy company, and offers multifaceted perspectives of sexual stigmatization in our society. 

First, Elena believes early education is vital to hinder sexual stigma. “It starts with educating parents about talking to their children starting at a young age about human sexuality,” she said. “It’s a conversation you have with your children about reproduction, love and relationships, respect, and accepting love, so that it becomes a part of one’s morals.” Elena elaborated on the educational component of reducing stigma. “It’s not just educating people about sex, it’s also the tone, the energy, the environment that you create around these topics.”

Elena grew up in an environment in which sex was openly discussed. Her mother worked in sex education at a non-profit, and her father worked as a social worker. Elena said, “When I was younger, I felt comfortable in my body and sexuality, so I was confused when my friends and peers were uncomfortable saying the “s word.” By the time Elena reached high school and college, she saw how detrimental the lack of sex education impacted her friends, their relationships, and the way they saw themselves sexually.

Elena also felt that sexual pleasure is an area that is not discussed enough. The idea of sex usually dismisses pleasing a partner, the deep connections, passion, or health benefits it has to offer. “Being a good partner is about connection and communication,” Elena said. Outside of this, she thinks people in our society aren’t used to women openly discussing sex, and this is why there is a negative stigma; many people feel women don’t belong in those conversations at all. Like Sabido and Bowker, Elena shares a similar opinion that reducing sexual stigma is still something we all need to improve.

These stigmas affect us and the way we grow up and view sexuality. High schoolers have to deal with social pressures from both peers and adults, which can be a form of building one’s identity. Sexual identity and forms of stigmatization can play a role in adolescent development.  

Trey Skieresz, a senior at San Rafael High School, shared his thoughts on sexual stigma and how it might have an impact on teens’ view on identity; “The sex education in public schools is outdated. It doesn’t focus on how to be in touch with our bodies or how to take care of ourselves. We are taught sexuality through a narrow lens that ignores non-traditional relationships and how to be more connected with our sexual and emotional desires.”

Bowker, Sabido, Elena, and Trey agreed that sexual stigma is an ongoing issue. With their collective insights, it is clear that many people, regardless of age, gender, and identity, deal with sexual stigma, a common issue that can be redefined with more education in human sexuality. Awareness and understanding are important components that go into reducing toxic sexual mentality, especially toward women. Increasing healthy sexual pleasure, expanding sex education perspectives in schools is still something we all need to improve upon and explore.