Breaking News: No Quote, No Problem! The Rise of the Bulldog Extra (and a Response from the Publisher)


Luca Caviness, Guest Contributor, Chief Satirist and Fearless Editor-in-Chief of The Bulldog Extra

On a dreary afternoon in November, I overheard Mister Jacob Salvesen and Monsieur Jeremi Nuer discussing a potential article for the “Off the Leash” newspaper, the supposed pinnacle of journalistic integrity within our institution. They were deep in brainstorming, exchanging ideas that piqued my interest, and I couldn’t resist interjecting with my enthusiasm. Little did I know that my willingness to contribute would be met with a surprising response.

Salvesen’s reaction was nothing short of astonishing. “Oh, Luca,” he chuckled, seemingly amused, “you know you’re on Mr. Simmons’ ‘No Quote’ list.” It felt as if I had been relegated to the role of a censored pariah, banished to the shadows of silence. The audacity! How dare they try to muzzle the voice of one who desires to speak.

But fret not, dear readers, for this silenced satirist refuses to be subdued. Oh no, the “Bulldog Extra” shall not be silenced—it is the guardian of irreverent truths. It is here, within the pages of our satirical tabloid, that we challenge the status quo, mock the self-proclaimed authority figures, and offer a satirical lens through which we can view the absurdities of school life.

In my imagination, I pictured Mr. Simmons sitting atop a metaphorical throne, his laughter echoing through the halls of self-righteousness. “Who cares what Luca has to say?” he sneered, his words meant to undermine the power of our biting wit and clever satire.

Ah, but here lies the true power of our pen. Satire possesses an inherent ability to transcend the feeble attempts at suppression. It is a force that exposes hypocrisy, provokes thought, and incites laughter in even the most stoic hearts. The “Bulldog Extra” shall continue to be a beacon of wit and satire, unyielding in the face of censorship.

So, dear readers, join us as we navigate the treacherous landscape of satire. Let us revel in the art of mockery, where nothing is off-limits and laughter reigns supreme. The “Bulldog Extra” shall be our platform to challenge the absurd, to lampoon the pompous, and to expose the comical underbelly of our school’s realities.

And as Mr. Simmons attempts to stifle our voices, little does he know that satire cannot be contained. It is like a wildfire, spreading with every witty headline, every cleverly crafted caricature, and every shared laugh. Soon, the halls will buzz with whispers of the “Bulldog Underground,” our secret society of satirical minds, unafraid to challenge the establishment and mock the unmockable.

My fellow satirists, let us rise above the constraints imposed upon us. Let us embrace our role as purveyors of humor, guardians of satire, and champions of the “Bulldog Extra.” Together, we shall rewrite the narrative, redefine the boundaries, and unleash our satirical brilliance upon the world.

Publisher’s Response:

Caviness is, in the parlance of our time, tripping. It is, however, not the fault of this “chief satirist,” who alleges that he’s been “muzzled” by yours truly, an authoritarian monster of a publisher who has elected to silence key campus voices. No, the fault lies not with our soon-to-graduate sophist but with the journalists who lazily and repeatedly solicited him (a friend) for opinions until Simmons (I) said no, no longer. We owe it to our readership and community to prize a diversity of perspectives and while Mr. Caviness may contain multitudes, no expansive soul sufficiently stands in for quality reporting. -Simmons