It is the semi-final game at Boo Fest, a Halloween tournament my club team played in every year. All weekend long I have dressed up in matching costumes with my team, playing under the rain, and competing against some of the best teams in the tournament. What more could you ask for?

This specific game is what I reminisce on whenever I think back to my time on Timber’s FC. At the half we were tied 1-1. Going into the second half the opposing team got a foul because of me. I brushed it off and got into the wall. They were far out, I was not worried about the kick. 

I jump up and the ball hits me. The whistle is blown and the opposing team is celebrating, while they head to the box. The Referee called a hand ball on me. Confused, my team and I argued about the call while the parents screamed at the referee from the sidelines. There was no way that was a hand ball. 

The referee pulls out a yellow card and points it towards me. Now I am furious, but head to the box and just hope they don’t score. The girl shoots the ball low into the corner. With the wet ground giving the ball a boost, my goalie can’t reach it. I am outrageously mad and getting blamed by my teammates. I caused a freekick, which led to a penalty, then a goal that put the opponents ahead in a tight game. 

The rest of that half I make it my field. I am not letting them win off of that goal. I scored one goal to put us back into the game, then one more, then another. In the span of 15 minutes I scored a hat-trick to beat a tough opponent in the semi-final game. I was unstoppable after conceding that goal. I scored my first goal from dribbling from my defensive half to the opponents goal. After seeing how mad and eager I was to score, my coach put me at striker, where I scored my next two goals.

Getting tackled by my teammates after the game, while our parents are screaming and hugging, is the most surreal experience ever. To this day, my dad reminds me of this game, and before my games, always says, “get mad today!”

Now as a senior, I am battling to keep playing, to keep having THIS feeling. The adrenaline of a game-winning goal, suspension while taking penalty kicks, and crying on the field after a big loss. The passion for the beautiful game is something that can not be described to its full capacity. These things can only be understood when they are felt.

My friends tease me about soccer being my whole life. I can’t deny that it has been a huge part of my life and I most certainly am not ready to give it up. I have given up the 10 most incredible years of my life to this sport.  I can’t believe that after so much blood, sweat, and tears shed, club soccer is all over now. 

In March, after hearing back from all of the colleges I applied to, I was left with the toughest decision thus far. Since freshman year, I had been going to ID camps, emailing college coaches, and attending tournaments with the goal of being recruited. 

Although the possibility of going to school and playing club soccer was always an option, it was not one I was hoping to take. 

When it came to the last few days before the decision, I was all over the place. Some days I thought I was fully set on playing college soccer, other days club soccer didn’t sound so bad. It came to the point where I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t want to have to pick. 

I wanted to go all the way back to the beginning. Research more schools, email more coaches, work harder, eat better, take more AP classes. All of the choices I had made academically and athletically were staring me down, while I looked at the schools I had to decide between. 

At the end it came down to playing D3 soccer at Linfield University, a small private school in Oregon, or going to Santa Clara University. I had worked too hard academically to go to Linfield, which doesn’t have the academic offerings I prefer. But, I had also worked tirelessly in soccer to be recruited. What now? How would I pick?

At Linfield the coach was everything I ever wanted in a coach, the team was an amazing group of girls, and I would be able to keep playing competitive soccer at the D3 level. Soccer would be half of my college experience, and I was more than okay with that. It was also a small private school where I could major in Economics, and be a big fish in a little pond. 

I am not the sorority type. I am social, when I have to be. The best friends I have ever made have been through soccer. Those are the girls I have spent the most time with, ever. I see them three to five times a week for at least two hours a day. It’s different from having friends outside of your sport. Those are the girls that I know have my back no matter what. We cry and celebrate together. When I get shoved by a girl, my teammate shoves her back on the next play.

However, Santa Clara is more academic, closer to home, and it is also a small private school. I loved it ever since I toured my freshman year. The biggest thing holding me back from picking SCU right away, was not getting to play soccer for their NCAA team.

Ultimately, I chose SCU. As a first-generation student, I owed it to myself and my parents to go to the school that had better long-term opportunities for me. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy to attend SCU. It is genuinely everything I ever wanted, besides not playing on an NCAA soccer team. But, I can’t help but to feel upset too. Everyone has told me that club soccer is still super competitive and fun. I’m sure it will be, but I really don’t know what to expect.

I always dream of all my college soccer first’s. My first goal, assist, touch on the ball, and NCAA playoffs. My parents are in the stands cheering me on, right next to Ms. Caiocca and Mr. De La Rosa. After the game, my little brother and I are playing on the field. I would win league titles and championship games.

Playing for a badge is such an honor. In high school I was one of the girls the team and school depended on to bring success. All I have ever wanted was that same thing, at a university. 

Now that club soccer has ended for me, I feel so lost. I have played competitive soccer since I was seven years old. I never played rec, I was put into a travel team right away. So, I don’t know any different. I ended my club soccer career playing for an ECNL team. For the last seven years, we have played against some of the best teams and athletes in the U.S. 

When I was still playing for Marin FC, I thought I’d be okay with only playing club soccer in college. Now that I am having to play pickup, I don’t think I can. I miss competing for something and as crazy as it sounds, I miss the demanding schedule. When I had soccer, I had a set schedule.

8:30am – 2:10/3:10 pm: School

4:00pm/6pm: 2 hour Soccer Practice

8:30 pm: Shower + Dinner

9:00 pm – Bedtime: Homework + Prep for Tomorrow

Now after school I have so much free time. I can do my homework whenever I want to, workout whenever I want to, and eat whenever I want to. I find myself procrastinating so much and getting to bed so late. Soccer was set up at a certain time for me, so I had to go at that time. I built everything else around it. After soccer I only had limited time to do everything else I needed to. So, I was always productive and got it done.

Practices were also always tiring. Some days more than others. So, by the time I was done with homework, I was ready to knock out. Now, I find that no matter what form of exercise I do, I don’t get tired enough. 

More than anything though, I miss my team. I never realized that the person whom I call my best friend, I really only got to see during soccer.

Although competitive soccer is done for me now, it’s not done forever. As hard and confusing this process can be, I will work as hard as I can to keep the dream alive. I am hopeful that I could still play for an NCAA team, academy, or national team. Time and my hard work will tell.