I call my younger brother “K” because his middle name is Khang. “K” was short, and it was easy for me to call him and quickly draw his attention, especially when I needed him to do me a favor. He was named after the Kangxi Emperor, who was known to be one of the greatest rulers of China. He was brave, strong, and his intelligence made the country prosper. My brother, however, turned out to be the complete opposite. He was short and stocky, and he enjoyed playing video games. He was easily emotional, and he struggles constantly in school. 

Growing up with him in an Asian household was how you would expect. Asian (especially my family’s Chinese) standards are very high. You must be academically brilliant, especially mathematically. You must be productive, constantly. Whether that is doing your homework or doing something that allows your parents to brag about you to other parents, you choose. But because my brother is a boy, he must also be tough. 

With the context of my family and their history, I have always been aware of my brother’s shortcomings. I recall a time in a restaurant, and my brother had recently failed his spelling test. My mom and dad were verbally ripping him to shreds, mid-restaurant. 

“Why can’t you be like [another Chinese kid in K’s class]? He is so smart,” my mom said, in utter disappointment. 

I think that sent my brother over the edge because he started crying. Because people began to look at us as if my brother had committed an act that tainted our bloodline, my mom angrily sent him to the bathroom in an attempt to stop him. 

After a somewhat traumatic ride home for my brother, I was tasked with tutoring him until he improved his grades. And so I did. As the oldest sibling, I played a role in guiding him. I was his role model, and he was supposed to follow in my footsteps because I did well in school. Slowly but surely, he scored full points on his spelling test. So when it was time to show my parents, my brother proudly held up his exam. 

“Oh, nice,” my mom said, brushing him off.

“Yay,” my brother said, trying to cheer himself on.

When he went back to his room, he didn’t say anything. There was a particular game he liked playing at the time. He enjoyed playing Fortnite, so he called his friends and they all “hopped on.” I joined them. I wasn’t necessarily good at it, but I felt bad for him because of our mom’s reaction. 

After my brother “cranked 90’s” (building tall towers in a fight), we earned multiple Victory Royales. The thing that stuck out to me was not the fact that he was “cracked” (being exceptionally skilled) at Fortnite, but his ability to pull himself up. Although his hard work was brushed off, he still laughs. Not only does he hold an unbreakable personality in times of turmoil, but he also stays true to himself. 

Picking him up from school every day, I notice that he is still very good friends with the other Chinese kid that my parents always compare him to. If that was me personally? I would burn with jealousy and never show up to school again. And to this day, he still cries in public because he can. 

So “K” Pham is not strong and brave in the way that my parents intended when they named him after that one Chinese emperor. Instead, he is authentic to himself, and he is not afraid to show that to the world, in that sense. Although I am the oldest and essentially a role model to him, I look up to him way more than he probably does to me. 

I will think about him and his life lessons when I am off to college and graduating from high school. With peers who are more accomplished than I am, I must find peace within myself and my achievements. I want to be kind not only to others, but also to myself. Because just like there is only one “K” in this world, there is also only one Suri. So why must I be disappointed with myself that I could always do better? Always do the maximum, but be okay when you fall short. If there is a particular subject that you are not good at, then there will be other aspects that you thrive in. Be your first supporter and your last. 

But sure, my brother can be just as intelligent as that Chinese kid, but that kid for sure is not as good at Fortnite.